A Mother Again

I found out I was pregnant at the end of April.  It was really a surprise.  Some wonder how things like this are a surprise, but they are.  A body sometimes has a mind of its own, or Heavenly Father has a plan in mind, or both, and my ovulation was early resulting in this pregnancy.  I am still stunned by this.  I am now 13 weeks along and I am still grasping the whole concept.  I am 1/3 of the way along already.  I realized I usually post pictures of the boys and what they are doing and fill you in on Dan and myself on occasion.  I use this as a family journal and a way to share our family with extended family and friends we don't get to see often.  But today, I think I will be a little more personal and share how I am feeling rather than what we are doing.  I have never really kept a journal on my pregnancies and thought I should record this special and unique time in my life since it will be my last.  I figured I conceived at the end of March after returning from Roosevelt and attending Dan's Grandpa's funeral.  Ironically, when with Dan's family we chatted about all of us having more kids and I said I wasn't ready yet and it may be a couple of more years before I had another child, if I did at all. Well the end of March came, I got pregnant, and the process began.  I remember not feeling well in April, my stomach and gallbladder were acting up.  I remember having no energy to push myself through my Cross Fit workouts like I had before.  I remember flying to Seattle for a conference and actually feeling nauseated on the flight, a first for me.  I remember being in Seattle and being tired and bloated in the evening.  I remember being late and wondering was I pregnant.  I waited longer this time to take the test, maybe I didn't want to know.  Well a faulty test left me wondering for a few days and then a positive test confirmed my wondering.  Now I had an answer to the fatigue, nausea, bloating, and gallbladder pain.  Here we go again.  Four days after I found out I was pregnant, I had some spotting.  I really had no emotional reaction to this as I hadn't with the positive test.  The spotting was short and minimal.  I was told to take it easy for 2 weeks.  An early ultrasound confirmed a heartbeat and due date of December 22nd.  There was just a feeling of okay, not relief or gratitude things were alright.  After 2 weeks I was able to get back to regular activities I had been missing - Cross Fit workouts and softball.  I felt well in the morning, but after lunch the bloating and nausea came.  If it wasn't a work day, I spent the afternoon on the couch resting and mothering as best I could, which wasn't very good at all.  The nausea would hit and send a chill through my body, but I have never been one to throw up and I didn't do it. I wondered if I would feel better if I did.  After about week 11 the nausea and bloating calmed down from being daily to a few times a week and less intense.  I was thankful for this change.  My body had already began to change physically.  I was getting a chubby look through my middle and my breasts were so tender, more this time than the other pregnancies.  I also had feelings of passing out if I stood up too fast, especially in the morning, and the pulling in my lower abdomen if I changed positions or got up too fast, I feel a result of scar tissue stretching after c-sections.  Then there was the getting up in the night to use the bathroom and wanting or not wanting certain foods.  I have always wanted more protein with each pregnancy and this one was the same.  I also went through phases of things I liked one week and didn't like the next week.  Some of my phases have included pickled beets, cucumber/onion/tomato salad with vinegar and oil, bologna, and sushi.  I had another appointment on June 11th.  Another ultrasound was done, the picture above, the baby is moving and the heartbeat is good and measuring right on schedule.  Again I didn't have any emotion with seeing the baby move or seeing the heartbeat.  I just haven't felt an emotional attachment to this pregnancy yet.  I think mentally I wasn't prepared for it and didn't have time to gear myself up for this.  There was no "trying" this time and then finding out the "trying " worked and being happy.  It just happened and I am still adjusting to the idea after 2 1/2 months.  The boys think it would be great to have a baby sister and the thought of a girl makes the situation more acceptable and exciting.  I worry about another boy.  I know that sounds awful, but I do worry.  Can I handle it?  August 7th is the big day when we find out.  I love my 3 boys and will love 4, but a girl sounds so much more appealing right now.  I also worry about my body and the aches and pains that come with each month.  Exercise has been a part of this pregnancy I didn't do with the others and I seem to have a better day on the mornings I exercise.  Maybe this will help with the upcoming aches and pains.  I worry about another C-section, the time it takes to put in the spinal block, the actual surgery, the pain and recovery.  This is how I feel right now, but hope things will change and I will start to be excited about this new baby coming into our family.  A little perspective is always nice when you feel you are in a situation that is not ideal or hard.  Well I have had my dose of perspective this week.  I celebrated my 33rd birthday on the 12th.  I received many happy birthday wishes on facebook, calls from family, and lunch and gifts from friends.  Look how loved and blessed I am!  I also bought Heaven is Here with a gift card from Dan.  Now that is some perspective!  Stephanie is an amazing woman.  I knew her story from following her blog, but the book was different, it was more.  I laughed at her fun experiences before the crash in the first part of the book.  I cried the second part of book as she dealt with the guilt of not being a mother to her children through her recovery.  I feel a lot of times we as mothers plague ourselves with guilt of not doing better.  When in reality that we worry about being great mothers is a sign that you are one.  I love how she loves motherhood and her outlook on her new life.  I loved this part at the end of the book, "Your heart matters most, so be gentler and more patient with yourself, and their hearts matter most too, so be kinder and more compassionate to others.  It's a beautiful heart, not a perfect body, that leads to a beautiful life."  I hope to do better.